running from who I am and my calling.....

Sitting here reflecting on my walk in life and where I am at now versus where i have been. What I have realized is how from a very young age, I was always a very caring, compasssionate, sensitive, good hearted kid. I was always the girl who would stick up for the kid with down syndrom others were picking on, or befriend the person others intentionally excluded. I always had a heart for the underdogs, those who got picked on or bullied, and anyone hurting. At 6 years old I remember even finding a fly half dead in the snow outside and bringing it inside and putting it in a box on top of kleenex to nurse it back to health....that is no lie! Lol.....anyways, as I got older, I started to realize it wasn't "cool" to be so nice. I had huge self esteem issues and just wanted to be accepted and fit in as most young teens do. I maintained my innocence throughout high school for the most part. But when i went to college I went through an ultra rebellious stage......not rebelling against my parents, as they were very supportive and open,.but rebelling against my "goody wholesome" self.....the goody good nerd I thought i was.

I accepted Jesus into my heart around age 7 or so, and always prayed and believed in God since i was a toddler. But peer pressure and my own selfish desires and curiosities led me to run from God and live for myself. I was the fun party girl everyone loved, that lived only for fun and adventure. That was the most exciting and happy time in my life because I did what I wanted, had a ton of friends, and traveled all over on new adventures. I thrived in the world but something deep in me felt convicted and no peace. The devil let me go on this way believing I was happy and encouraging my party ways. UNTIL......I believe God stepped in out of love for me. I got 2 DUI's and went to jail for 7 days....that was a pivotol START for change in my life. But I surrounded myself around others who lived that same lifestyle and couldn't break away from it. I wasn't ready. Then I had a horrible breakup from an almost 5 year relationship that sent me at a low. That is when I really turned to God cuz i really had no one anymore. My other good friends were now happily married having babies, and here I was with 2 DUI'S, no car, no license, no money, no boyfriend, and barely any friends left. SO I really started the soul searching at that point, and got real with God. I prayed and God sent me my next boyfriend I reconnected with from college and it seemed like finally, God answered my prayers and blessed me with a good guy. I moved to Phoenix after talking about it with my guy, and was like thank you Lord, I have wanted to move there anyway, and now I have a reason! So I took a huge leap of faith and packed up my car after recieving a job in Az, and moved here no looking back! Things were amazing! I was the happiest I had ever been and very much in love. Eventually, after 2 years, my boyfriend whom i 100% thought was the man I would marry someday, came home one night and shockingly ended the relationship and moved out. I was blindsided and devestated once again. Well, a year and a half later, I have finally realized the reason nothing ever worked out is because I was still living just for my man, not god. We lived that selfish happy life of partying and funtimes still even at age 35. I was growing closer to God here and praying more and reading the word. Ironically, some of our only fights we ever had were centered around the fact that he questioned my beliefs in Jesus and the bible being Gods word of truth. We just couldn't see eye to eye on it, and I was compromising by letting my love for him be greater than my love for God. I truly believe that is why God let us breakup. He was protecting me from slipping back away from Him, so He allowed it to end. I couldn't see that at the time. At the time I was devestated. I was truly alone. He moved out quickly, took all his stuff, including alot of stuff and I was broke, could not afford rent, inbetween jobs, and heartbroken. Lowest point in my life. But best thing that ever happened to me.

It made me rely on God 100% for everything. I got a new job I loved, met some new friends, and started my journey of 100% total surrendering of my life to Jesus. I not only lost my love, I lost most of my friends I knew through him and his loving supportive family that took me in as their own. Well, many more trials happened since then financially, physically, relationshipwise, and even deaths. Lots and lots of trials. I feel like the devil was like YES! I enticed her in the good life, just to show her I can destroy her.......BUT.....little does he know that God had mercy and grace on me, and is using it all for my good, because He called me for a purpose. These hardships have CHANGED my rebellious heart back to that gentle, caring, loving soul He created me to be. I am transitioning into that godly woman He called me to be. The same person I was when i was 7 and innocent. Only now i have experience and discernment, so I am not nieve to the devil and the wordly lusts that once enticed me, and still try to. Now I realize I I have been running away from my real self my whole life, only to come back to that little girl. The devil tried his hardest to destroy me and lead me away from my purpose, but God has used all that to make me a better version of myself. The world and everything in it, including the people I loved, abandoned me. But God, God has never abandoned me! So no more running away from who God created me to be, instead I join forces with Him, His Holy Spirit, and His only son Jesus. Together, we can do anthing! What an empowering thing that is! It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me now, only God. Because He is who I am living for now. I embrace myself and the gifts he has instilled in me, and will not compare myself to others or what they want me to be anymore. Watch out world......the darkness in me  has been turned on by the light!!! I can't wait to see how God is gonna use me to bring glory to His son Jesus. Stay tuned.......!!!