Living by faith not sight :)

One thing I am learning is that when all hell breaks loose in my life that is when God is up to something.....He is shaping me, molding me, testing me, purifying all the negative things in my mind and heart. I went through a process of being broken down to really learn that He is my sole provider for all good things. Also, that He is ALWAYS with me even when i dont FEEL His presence. I am in a better place now, and am more in tune with hearing his voice and seeing His hand in my situation. As He brings me gifts and the desires of my heart now, I am also learning that He will never just bless me so I can selfishly be happy. His plan is bigger for me, and you. At times now I am in awe of his goodness in my life, yet tend to revert back into my old mindsets and patterns. That is when He pulls back a little i feel, to show me that the higher level of the blessing, the more faith and trust I must place in Him, and to not rely on the world. My test right now is to live by faith, not by sight. There is an enemy fighting me to steal everything God has in store for me, and as long I dont let fear, doubt, anxiety, jealousy, insecurities rule my mind, instead remember and study His promises for me, that neither blessings nor trials will bring me out of his will. It is a day by day, conscious choice to remember the sacrifice His son made for me to carry out His amazing purpose and plans for my life. I guess it all boils down to the fact there is an invisible spiritual world all around us, and once I keep my eyes on His world and Kingdom, I will never fall or fail. Because if I do, He is using it for my good. Now thats a peaceful way to think and live. Life is not about material things or living up to societys standards, it is about living in such a way that Gods love moves through me to bring His kingdom and purpose to earth today. It may be in the tiniest of ways, but those tiny ways always defeat the enemy who is decieving us all. Just keep keeping on, remembering He shed His blood for me, and nothing is too small or big for Him to be concerned about. day by day, relying on His will being done through me and to me. Glad I have this wisdom, cuz I was lost for years without it, seeking it in all the wrong places. I no longer live for myself only, I live to carry out His will. Hope this blesses someone, if not, it sure does bless me.

Jesus is holding my hand :)

Well, it's been a few months since my last post, but being led to start writing more now. God has been taking me on a journey of healing and cleansing me. Just when I thought I was all good, wham, something in my spirit started getting challenged. I asked God to cleanse me deeply and remove all the strongholds and wrong mindsets I have. Well let me tell ya, it takes time to change 37 years of wrong or twisted thinking! As of lately, I feel called to separate myself from the world as I know it, and soak up as much of God's word and healing of Jesus as possible! I find myself separating from coworkers and listening to a good sermon while I do my side work. I also felt led to get off Facebook for awhile. Am finding I care too much about what others think still and get caught up in worldly things. The one mindset the Lord brought to my attention that has been blocking my own happiness is my own thoughts of "Am I good enough?" Or "Is there something wrong with me?"  I have been in my mind trying to figure out 3 different relationships that all unexpected ended. It deep down was tormenting me with thoughts s of something must be wrong with me. Then I went to church and and heard Danny Gokey sing and tell his testimony and I know God divinely had me there at that moment. God spoke and said, "Be still and know that I am God."  He also reminded me of the words He spoke to me through others these past 2 years saying, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future, plans to prosper you."  So I bought Danny's cd and listened to it and cried out to God to once and for all, heal on me deep inside. I started feeling almost out of body, like wondering what is real and what isn't. That is when I really asked to hear from God. And a few situations and people led me to look up some you tube videos of sermons relating to me....wow! This is when I finally felt that weight lifted again and the peace of God come upon me. It is clear to me now that God is separating me even more to reset my mind, heart, and soul for good! Too many times I looked back, tried to analyze, got self critical, and compared myself to others. God said to me, you are not like others I have a special plan and purpose for your life, and I am prepping you for it now. So rejoice!! Keep surrendering to me, and never be afraid! Picture Jesus standing beside you holding your hand, because He is! HE is the one fighting all your battles and who is directing your steps. Always keep your eyes on Him and don't look around like Peter did when he walked on the water with Jesus, but then started to sink when he took his eyes off him. So that is what I do now........keep my eyes on Jesus. That way I know the enemy can't touch me and anything happening to me or around me is HE is working together for my good! Soooooo......gotta run to work, but if anybody ever feels lost, look to Jesus, he is the one directing your steps if you are saved by Him. And if you haven't accepted JESUS As the Lord of your life, I urge you to pray to Him now. He died to forgive your sins, cleanse you, heal you, and give you life in abundance, not only here, but for eternity. Just ask him to come into your heart and change it and you are now born again into His kingdom, and are his preciout child who he has a plan for!

marching to my own beat......

Having a moment of weakness, feeling like a misfit in this crazy lil world right now. I am strong enough that I know I am am happy alone, but just wishing I had some genuine friends near by who truly care about me and lift me up. I am good at lifting myself up, but just miss having real friends around to do things with and confide in, who I can trust. Seems like nobody "gets" me or appreciates me for me. Can be really lonely at times. But I am remembering a TD Jakes sermon where he spoke about how real leaders never really fit in, they are misfits by nature, because they were born to lead, not blend in. Not sure how much of a leader I am, but I guess marching to the beat of my own drum is leading, even if nobody else is following. Like Romans 12:2-3 says, I am gonna focus on renewing my mind and not being conformed to the world. Still I pray for likeminded people to enter my life....people who inspire me, people who encourage me, people who appreciate me, people who challenge me to be better........yet I also pray that I can be and do all those things to the people around me. I know I am alone right now for a divine reason, so I am also taking advantage of this great gift of peaceful alone time to renew my heart, soul, and mind. Just writing this to help me figure out my place in this world and also to put it all out there, so if anybody else has these issues, it may help you as well. I once told my dad many years ago, that my biggest fear in life is becoming complacent. I always want to be changing and improving and moving forward, which is a good thing, but it doesn't come without a price. I chose the paths I take for a reason.....like the bible says, the steps of a good man (woman) are ordered by the Lord. So I will continue on the path I am on, even if I am walking in it alone, knowing that there is a reason for it all...........okay, time for bed, feels good to write from my heart. So grateful for writing as a way to express myself that I just can't seem to do as well any other way. This is my creative outlet to deal with life. If anybody reads this, I hope me putting myself out there for the greater good inspires you to do the same in your own way! :)

Everything is happening exactly the way it's supposed to....:) :)

Ya ever feel like everything is happening exactly the way it's supposed to, even though it looks like it isn't going well? Yeah...well that is how I feel right now. I can't explain it, it is just this peaceful joyful feeling inside me. It is the peace of God that rests with me knowing all the ugly things people try to say, do, or think about me are only gonna come back onto them. The best part is something inside me (the Holy Spirit) just laughs and carries me on my happy way, paying no mind to that darkness. Jesus came into the world and died for us so we may have life, and live it to the fullest. He said we are the salt of the earth, the lightness in the darkness. So it only makes sense that we will stand out and shine in our own way through Jesus. Those who hate that don't know HIM!!!! It is my mission to show the world Jesus's love through the small ways He gifts me to do. The fact I have opposition only means I am doing my job. I feel like I have only gotten HAPPIER through my trials, and that is what I am awed about! God is awesome,and I will never be ashamed to admit that. If only more people would stop caring about what other people thought about them and be that bold shiny witness, then more of the people who are lost and searching would be able to find the truth. My prayer is that those who oppose me now eventually see the kind, merciful heart of God and the light overtakes their lives as well! I thank God for this test and his promise of working all things for the good to those called according to His purpose!!!! :) :) :) :)

Encouragement to keep going...... :)

Ever feel like once you get yourself on the right track, and you are feeling good about yourself and motivated to be better, do better, live better.........that others seem to look at you different, like "who does she think she is...miss I am all that...i think.i am better than others...". Maybe its just me, but every time I get to a good place in my life, that seems to happen to me. Then I have the tendency to start to try to care less, dumb myself down, lower my standards, give in to peer pressure, just to please others so I will fit in and not be talked shit about. I have done this my whole life.....girls are very cruel. They always like to gossip and criticize about each other. If you don't dress like them, talk like them, shop like them...etc....YOU will be the one they single out. For that reason, most girls never really just be themselves, they are always trying to live up to that clicks  standard.  This has bothered me my whole life, but I have finally came to a place in where I am honored to not fit in. I am comfortable enough and confident enough now FINALLY to understand it is not an insult to not fit in. It just means I am authentic to who I really am, and God has made me stronger. I will never be a follower, even if it means I walk alone. It can be lonely and really hurt at times, but then I remember how even Jesus got mocked and people were two faced to him. It just comes with living your true purpose, whatever it is. I have some great girlfriends, just having one of those reflective moments. The main thing I want to convey is that it is okay to do your own thing. It is ok to strive to always be better and do better. If anybody has a problem with it, that just means you are on the right path! So stay bold in yourself and don't ever let the world make you lose you drive to do good or your smile. There are MANY people happy to be complacent, but a rare few who have the will to be the best they can be! I have a LONG LONG LONG  way to go LOL, but I chose that path. Hope it inspires anybody else who struggles with this as well. SMILE....HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH, and humble your heart. Great things will happen then! :)  Just had to write this to help encourage myself to stay on the positive path, and anyone else who may need this.

Self Acceptance......Be YOU!

When I was little, I was a happy, quiet, shy, reserved little girl. I would even describe myself as painfully shy and awkward. I was always content to just play in my room by myself and make my own fun. I was a daydreamer, could sit for HOURS just daydreaming. As I grew older, I hated this tendency and did everything I could to MAKE myself an extrovert. I wanted to be that popular girl who had tons of friends and confidence. As I have gotten older and experienced more and accomplished more things I was afraid to do, my confidence level grew. The person I WANTED to be I became. Ironically, the more I became the person I created myself to be, the more empty I felt deep down inside. Then all my life trials hit me.....I mean hit me! The last 10 years of my life all the things i went through helped bring me back to my TRUE SELF, not the self I created. God showed me that HE created me EXACTLY the way HE wanted me to be. I was never going to find my purpose and place of true blessing until I came to accept myself as He created me to be. Flaws and all. He makes no mistakes. I am his masterpiece beautifully sculpted. The people who are MEANT to love me and be in my life, will see me as He created me to be. Those who are not meant to be in my life, will not "UNDERSTAND" me and  see me in that light. Until I learned to love myself though (introvert sometimes and extrovert at others), those meant to love me could not see it, cuz I couldn't even see it. So now that I see myself the way God sees me, I feel like the door is now FINALLY open for His true lasting blessings to come my way. I feel like this may be for someone else struggling to find peace with themselves........remember, you are NOT a mistake. You are beautiful just the way you are. The heart that is meant to love you will love you just as YOU ARE, without having to change anything about yourself. Nobody is perfect, we are all human. But the person who is perfect for you, will see you that way. Keep being you....the real you. You are God's masterpiece.....:)

running from who I am and my calling.....

Sitting here reflecting on my walk in life and where I am at now versus where i have been. What I have realized is how from a very young age, I was always a very caring, compasssionate, sensitive, good hearted kid. I was always the girl who would stick up for the kid with down syndrom others were picking on, or befriend the person others intentionally excluded. I always had a heart for the underdogs, those who got picked on or bullied, and anyone hurting. At 6 years old I remember even finding a fly half dead in the snow outside and bringing it inside and putting it in a box on top of kleenex to nurse it back to health....that is no lie! Lol.....anyways, as I got older, I started to realize it wasn't "cool" to be so nice. I had huge self esteem issues and just wanted to be accepted and fit in as most young teens do. I maintained my innocence throughout high school for the most part. But when i went to college I went through an ultra rebellious stage......not rebelling against my parents, as they were very supportive and open,.but rebelling against my "goody wholesome" self.....the goody good nerd I thought i was.

I accepted Jesus into my heart around age 7 or so, and always prayed and believed in God since i was a toddler. But peer pressure and my own selfish desires and curiosities led me to run from God and live for myself. I was the fun party girl everyone loved, that lived only for fun and adventure. That was the most exciting and happy time in my life because I did what I wanted, had a ton of friends, and traveled all over on new adventures. I thrived in the world but something deep in me felt convicted and no peace. The devil let me go on this way believing I was happy and encouraging my party ways. UNTIL......I believe God stepped in out of love for me. I got 2 DUI's and went to jail for 7 days....that was a pivotol START for change in my life. But I surrounded myself around others who lived that same lifestyle and couldn't break away from it. I wasn't ready. Then I had a horrible breakup from an almost 5 year relationship that sent me at a low. That is when I really turned to God cuz i really had no one anymore. My other good friends were now happily married having babies, and here I was with 2 DUI'S, no car, no license, no money, no boyfriend, and barely any friends left. SO I really started the soul searching at that point, and got real with God. I prayed and God sent me my next boyfriend I reconnected with from college and it seemed like finally, God answered my prayers and blessed me with a good guy. I moved to Phoenix after talking about it with my guy, and was like thank you Lord, I have wanted to move there anyway, and now I have a reason! So I took a huge leap of faith and packed up my car after recieving a job in Az, and moved here no looking back! Things were amazing! I was the happiest I had ever been and very much in love. Eventually, after 2 years, my boyfriend whom i 100% thought was the man I would marry someday, came home one night and shockingly ended the relationship and moved out. I was blindsided and devestated once again. Well, a year and a half later, I have finally realized the reason nothing ever worked out is because I was still living just for my man, not god. We lived that selfish happy life of partying and funtimes still even at age 35. I was growing closer to God here and praying more and reading the word. Ironically, some of our only fights we ever had were centered around the fact that he questioned my beliefs in Jesus and the bible being Gods word of truth. We just couldn't see eye to eye on it, and I was compromising by letting my love for him be greater than my love for God. I truly believe that is why God let us breakup. He was protecting me from slipping back away from Him, so He allowed it to end. I couldn't see that at the time. At the time I was devestated. I was truly alone. He moved out quickly, took all his stuff, including alot of stuff and I was broke, could not afford rent, inbetween jobs, and heartbroken. Lowest point in my life. But best thing that ever happened to me.

It made me rely on God 100% for everything. I got a new job I loved, met some new friends, and started my journey of 100% total surrendering of my life to Jesus. I not only lost my love, I lost most of my friends I knew through him and his loving supportive family that took me in as their own. Well, many more trials happened since then financially, physically, relationshipwise, and even deaths. Lots and lots of trials. I feel like the devil was like YES! I enticed her in the good life, just to show her I can destroy her.......BUT.....little does he know that God had mercy and grace on me, and is using it all for my good, because He called me for a purpose. These hardships have CHANGED my rebellious heart back to that gentle, caring, loving soul He created me to be. I am transitioning into that godly woman He called me to be. The same person I was when i was 7 and innocent. Only now i have experience and discernment, so I am not nieve to the devil and the wordly lusts that once enticed me, and still try to. Now I realize I I have been running away from my real self my whole life, only to come back to that little girl. The devil tried his hardest to destroy me and lead me away from my purpose, but God has used all that to make me a better version of myself. The world and everything in it, including the people I loved, abandoned me. But God, God has never abandoned me! So no more running away from who God created me to be, instead I join forces with Him, His Holy Spirit, and His only son Jesus. Together, we can do anthing! What an empowering thing that is! It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me now, only God. Because He is who I am living for now. I embrace myself and the gifts he has instilled in me, and will not compare myself to others or what they want me to be anymore. Watch out world......the darkness in me  has been turned on by the light!!! I can't wait to see how God is gonna use me to bring glory to His son Jesus. Stay tuned.......!!!

Becoming stronger and fearless........:)

Wow....well, the more I have retreated to being alone with just God, the more ugly things came out of me that I needed to purge out. It made me feel like...geez, if I feel like this I must not be that close to God and on the right spiritual path. But what I can already feel in my spirit is a weight lifting off of me. A weight of all the people, things, places, circumstances that were hindering me from moving forward into my next level in life. This time in my life and ugly process was necessary for me to continue putting off my old self and putting on my new self. It doesn't just happen overnight. The greatest insight I have just recieved is how much STRONGER and FEARLESS I am becoming!! It is still a work in progress, but I can actually FEEL God's strength supernaturally increasing mine! Also, God has showed me who is there in my life to strengthen me, and who depletes my energy. Painful process, but very enlightening at the same time. People have surprised me. Good and bad. Struggle ALWAYS ends up revealing truths that need to come out. My job is to just stay in faith and keep relying and speaking Gods promises over my life. I believe me going through this emotional time is so I will be able to help others in need when they may need a word of encouragement or faith. Sooooooo.........devil.......the more you keep attacking me, the STRONGER AND MORE EQUIPPED SOLDIER OF GOD I am becoming.......THANKS BE TO JESUS who already defeated you at the cross. NOTHING will keep me down....ever!!!! Hope this gives somebody else a lift of faith needed in your own life! I FEEL SO BLESSED AND STRONGER THAN EVER!!! I am more than a conquerer through Christ Jesus who strengthens me! :) :) :)

momentary seclusion.....will be back!

Waiting to get my haircut, sitting here thinking how many times God has washed all my sins away and keeps molding me more and more into who He called me to be. I never realized how much power and control the world and everything in it, has over me. I always thought since I am kind of a non-conformist that I am my own person. Boy was I wrong! Realizing I still care too much what everybody thinks and says about me. Once i let that go fully, I know I will be well on my way into my true destiny. So I am taking a short break from social media and other things, to spend time alone with God in prayer and the word to clear me of all the negative influence I have in me from many different things, including my own self. Renewing my mind with what Gods word says about me, my calling, my purpose, and my future. Once I get some "bugs" cleared out....I WILL BE BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER....READY TO LIVE AGAIN!! So how ever short or long that takes, that is my focus now. Prayers, hugs, and blessings to everyone who reads this!

footprints in the sand.....a real moment

Questioning if there is something wrong with me....just don't understand why I am so different than everyone else my age. Based on "society's" rating, I seem to be a failure in all categories...financially, relationships, marriage, and children. O for 4 there.....37 years old and counting. Good thing I could give a rats ass about societys standards, but seriously.....I have alot to give and just seem to not be getting in return. I have my faith, and that will never die, but having one of those HONEST moments of self examination. I am a self confident person now, but life has me questioning myself. I have a heart of gold, and am alone. Those who selfishly used me are happy in love. Where is the justice in that? Although I prayed for them to be blessed I didn't really believe God would do it so fast.......while I keep getting dumped on! Just being REAL....having a real moment with God right now. I keep saying and believing these tests are just making my faith and me stronger, but at the moment feel weak. Guess this is when i need prayers the most. When i am weak, He is strong. Still through all this soul searching, I truly believe and know God loves me and has a purpose for all of this. So with that being said, gonna separate myself even more from the world for a bit, to seek Gods Word out and His will so He can turn these ugly feelings around. I pray for anyone else going through a similar struggle, that God may give you peace, blessings, and clarity too. I wasn't going to share this because of the negative tone of it, as I always want to be positive and inspiring . But I also believe in being my real authentic self, and putting it out there so anyone who struggles with these same emotions or dilemas can see even though I have faith and believe God has a good plan for my life, it still at times can be a daily struggle with my old fleshly thoughts and beliefs I had about myself not being good enough. But I am renewing my mind daily with Gods word to help me from thinking these old self defeating thoughts. The devil is loving me questioning myself like this, cuz he wants me to stay down so I won't rise up and be that NEW ME God has formed. I am like that piece of coal with pressure on it from all sides......all I have to do is stand firm, and soon enough I will shine like the diamond God is creating me to be. Just wanted to share this ugly side of me so anyone else going through hard times can relate, and NOT give up either!! This too, shall pass, and I will look back and be glad i went through all this seeing Jesus was carrying me through it all, just like that footprints in the sand poem.....

loneliness in the trials...

It seems the path I chose can be a pretty lonely one. I just wish I had even 1 or 2 people around me who could identify with me and my beliefs and struggles and even joys. So tempting to just let myself go with the crowd and do as they do, at least then I would have temporary friends and support. But I know deep inside I am supposed to go through this time in my life for a reason. This will only strengthen my faith and draw me closer to Jesus, the only thing that really matters anyway. I question and doubt myself at times, but as soon as I get in the Word, I remember that God shows up BIG right after you go through your time of testing if I just keep standing in faith. No amount of temporary pleasure is worth risking my permanent blessing. So I will fight the good fight of faith and perservere.........like James 1: 2-5 says....Count it all joy when you come into trials and tribulations, once you patiently endure them, you are being made more into the perfect image of Christ....(my summry of the verse) So praising God for these trials......I know the outcome is glorious!!!!!

Torn between the new and the old

I am a this weird, awkward time in my life where I am torn.....I have so many things that I have went through emotionally, financially, and even physically over the last couple years. I am at a point where I want to move forward and into all new things, and an all new me, yet part of wants to go go back to the way things were, and the old me. That is what I knew, that is where I was comfortable. Even part of me wants to stay and dwell in the hurt and pain I have been through. It's like my spirit knows I am ready to move forward into my destiny, but my emotions and circumstances want to stay in my past. I literally am fighting a war with myself and the world I feel.....sounds dramatic, but it is how I feel. I think to myself, "Life was so much easier when I lived it only for pure enjoyment. People liked you better when you were the party girl. You were HAPPIER when you gave into all your desires and wants on impulse...."    But I KNOW that this is just the part of me that God is still refining and chiseling to form me into the woman He has called me to be.......Nothing in life worthwhile ever seems to come easy, but when it comes, it will be real and lasting and in Gods perfect will. I will wait and endure this part of the transformation process with good cheer, knowing God has a good plan for my life, and everything happening He is using for my good. And so the battle of Spirit vs flesh goes on.....but the good news is, I have the Grace of Jesus fresh and new every day, no matter what mistakes I make. And although I still battle at times to go back to my old ways, it does get easier and lessened the more I renew my mind with the Word. On that note, I am off to watch a TD Jakes sermon before I fall asleep....NOTHING better than getting fresh revelation from hearing God's word!!

Dealing with hardship....

Well, here I am sitting on my comfy air mattress on my last night (again) in my old apartment. I have had a few curve balls thrown at me lately in life, and if there is anything I am good at by now, hitting those things head on! The hardest thing other than having no sleep, being inbetween homes, and spring training baseball chaos at work, is the death of a man I dated this last year. Despite some issues we had to deal with in life, we connected very deeply on a spiritual level like I never have with anyone. He drew me closer to the Lord and showed me what love can be like and what I deserve. Some things happened that I couldn't understand and I had to distance myself from. I had some issues with trust due to every man I have ever loved breaking my trust. Making a very long, complex story short, I judged him for things in his past I never should have done. I let his past which I knew he had changed from skew my view of him in the present. I just found out he passed away a week ago. This has hit me very very hard. The last time I spoke to him about a month ago I said some things I wish i could take back now, but it is too late. I know for a fact he would forgive me, but why is it so hard to forgive myself?? I think that is the hardest thing for me to do being a Christian. But I am praying and working on this daily, as we are all a work in progress.....but I live by God's promise that He who began a good work in me, will complete it. Chris had a beautiful spirit and I know God took him now for a reason. I pray and ask for forgiveness and hope the day I die and go to be with the Lord, Chris is there to greet me, along with all my others friends and family I lost. I hope he greets me with a warm smile and says "hey beautiful..." everything is alright.... just like he used to when he was here. There are so many things i will never understand that happen in this world, but that is why I lean on God more and more daily to look for comfort and peace in this world of testing. Afterall, our life on this earth is like a blink of an eye compared to eternity. My goal is to fulfill my calling and purpose God has ordained for me to do. I may not feel up to the challenge, but HE will give me strenghth and courage, grace and mercy, to keep moving forward day by day. weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. For anybody facing hard times whether physically or emotionally, I pray right now for you. Seekout God with all your heart, soul, and might. The closer you draw to Him, the closer He will draw to you. He loves you and is waiting for you to call on Him. :)

Finally found peace.....

So after the nightmare I am still going through of many many small things nagging at me and going wrong in my life, I have finally come to find peace in the midst of turmoil. I have been talking to God and others a lot lately trying to figure things out. After taking a couple small steps of faith to try and get things done, it hit me today......I am to make a fresh, clean, brand new start again......the roach infested apt and all my things in it symbolize my chaotic life circumstances. I am going to LET IT ALL GO.....all my belongings too. It is just 'stuff" that has been a hinderance moving and is tied to my past here. By letting it go, I am also FINALLY FOR GOOD letting my old self and old life go, and trusting in my new life which is being led by the Holy Spirit. I am going to take things day by day like The Word tells you to do, and trust that God is leading my steps into my purpose and calling in life day by day. I think this is all just a challenge for me to be stronger, fear less, and trust in Gods good plan for my life. I KNOW most people think I am crazy and can't understand my ways, but that is okay too. I am not living for them, I am living MY life, and I march to the beat of my own drum, always have. The difference now is, I don't care what people think about me. I am learning to not get attached to possessions and things, and that is the most liberating feeling ever! I am STOKED to get rid of all my stuff! Yepppppp, I may just now be clinically crazy...lol. The reason I know I am in God's will is because i have a peace inside now I didn't have before. My mom texted me and is very upset at my decisions and thinks I am not being rational, and I need my stuff. She just doesn't understand because this is for ME to understand, not anybody else. Anyways, better stop cuz I gotta get some sleep. But these blogs are just flowing out of me without me even thinking about what I am going to say. They are helping me to gain great clarity over my life and I thank God for giving me this outlet. what is next? Only God knows....and that is exciting to me!! To be continued.....

Everything is going wrong.....so it appears

Well, lately God has been pushing me to make some changes in my life, and pushing me way out of my comfort zone....Again. My life over the few years has been contantly pushing me in every area out of my comfort zone. Finally got a new apartment after 31/2 years, and it is roach infested! My biggest fear ever! I am all alone and nowhere else to go, so I have to deal with it. This is such a hard challenge for me, cuz if anybody knows me well, they know I have the WORST PHOBIA of roaches! I even moved back home to Iowa from Houston, Texas when I was 25 in part, due to huge roaches in my apartment. I believe this is just God making me deal once and for all with all my fears. I must push forward and through them all with His help. I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me...these roaches just symbolize my life lately....things not going as planned, and disappointments and stressers at work and in my relationships. I believe this is Gods way of testing my faith and relying on Him totally for all things in my life. Man......this is soooo hard, at times I am tempted to quit. But that is when I draw closer to God and cry out to Him to hug me and heal me and BRING ME THROUGH this transition in life victorious, with no regrets, coming out stronger than I was before. God never lets you go through anything without there being a purpose for it. Instead of asking Him "why" like i always have, I will just trust that He knows what He is doing, and purge out my fears and negative emotions to Him, instead of getting drunk, or stuffing my face with food to numb the pain like I used to do..........so through these times of trial, I will praise Jesus for already defeating the enemy for me. I will stand firm in Gods promises and be grateful for what i do have. Nothing good in life ever comes easy.....patiently enduring all things because I know the outcome is worth it!!

late night insominiac thoughts....about God

I used to think about God like this......like He was a genie and I would give him my wishes, hoping he would grant them.  When most of my wishes never came true, or after they did and then something bad happened, I would question God and say...,,,Why me? Am I not good enough? Do i not deserve to be blessed? I must have done something wrong so I can't be blessed. So i would do my best and TRY to be good or better and please God, just so He would bless me...........wow!! Finally realized God gave me His Holy Spirit to come live inside me and guide me into all truth and ways. Jesus died so I could be free from the law which no man can live up to. Once He died and said "It is finished," the moment you believed Him and put your trust and faith in Him, that is the moment He saves you from the destruction of the devil, and gives you His Holy Spirit, to guide you in all truth and understanding. God gave us a new spirit, and it is our job to renew our minds by reading and hearing His Word, so that we can become transformed into new and perfect spiritual beings through Jesus Christ's sacrifice. We become in right standing with God by the blood of Jesus. That is the best news you can ever recieve!! So stop trying to be righteous, you already are through believing in Jesus! Yes, its that simple!!  He also gives us the ability to chsnge the own course of our lives by speaking out victory and blessings over our lives. There is power in speaking Gods word! So YOU have the power now to bring blessings to your own life and others by speaking the truth over it...Gods word.  Quit blaming God when things go wrong in your life, He loves you, and will never let anything bad ruin you, He will ALWAYS cause that bad thing to bring good in your life. You just need to have patience, seek god first, and speak His Word over your situation. Don't focus on your circumsyances, focus on your redeemer and the Truth. I haven't even touched the surface here, but l aleady feel that i may have lost you............enough for now, just felt led to write these thoughts down as they came into my mind. Hope someone got a little blessing from this, I know i did!

real, raw, straight from the heart

Well....here I am! My first blog. Never thought I would ever do this, but look at me now. The reason I am starting a blog is because I have so much I want to share and so many thoughts and experiences that I have encountered that I need an outlet. Writing has always been my outlet to express myself and my emotions that I can hide so easily in daily life. I found myself going overboard posting everything on facebook, and after praying today about some tests and trials and heartbreak I am going through, the Holy Spirit instilled into me to start a blog! So here I am! Don't know what I am going to blog about, but you can be sure it is REAL and from the heart. I feel my purpose is to write about the things I go through and share them with others who may be going through similar things. I have went through and am still going through a great transformation after many many life hardships. I made the decisision to follow my Lord, Jesus Christ, 100%, the best I know how. It is in this rich walk with Him, I have gained so much wisdom and peace, and feel like it is my mission to share my walk with the world, so others can see first hand, how God can change a person's life....IF you chose to let Him. So stay continued....as i am still a work in progress, as we all are. This is gonna be real, raw, authentic, and straight  from my heart and soul. No more fronts. No more acting or pretending to be someone I am not, just to gain approval from people who don't care about me. The only approval I seek now is Gods. Come follow me on this awesome journey of my life.........:)