Dealing with hardship....

Well, here I am sitting on my comfy air mattress on my last night (again) in my old apartment. I have had a few curve balls thrown at me lately in life, and if there is anything I am good at by now, hitting those things head on! The hardest thing other than having no sleep, being inbetween homes, and spring training baseball chaos at work, is the death of a man I dated this last year. Despite some issues we had to deal with in life, we connected very deeply on a spiritual level like I never have with anyone. He drew me closer to the Lord and showed me what love can be like and what I deserve. Some things happened that I couldn't understand and I had to distance myself from. I had some issues with trust due to every man I have ever loved breaking my trust. Making a very long, complex story short, I judged him for things in his past I never should have done. I let his past which I knew he had changed from skew my view of him in the present. I just found out he passed away a week ago. This has hit me very very hard. The last time I spoke to him about a month ago I said some things I wish i could take back now, but it is too late. I know for a fact he would forgive me, but why is it so hard to forgive myself?? I think that is the hardest thing for me to do being a Christian. But I am praying and working on this daily, as we are all a work in progress.....but I live by God's promise that He who began a good work in me, will complete it. Chris had a beautiful spirit and I know God took him now for a reason. I pray and ask for forgiveness and hope the day I die and go to be with the Lord, Chris is there to greet me, along with all my others friends and family I lost. I hope he greets me with a warm smile and says "hey beautiful..." everything is alright.... just like he used to when he was here. There are so many things i will never understand that happen in this world, but that is why I lean on God more and more daily to look for comfort and peace in this world of testing. Afterall, our life on this earth is like a blink of an eye compared to eternity. My goal is to fulfill my calling and purpose God has ordained for me to do. I may not feel up to the challenge, but HE will give me strenghth and courage, grace and mercy, to keep moving forward day by day. weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. For anybody facing hard times whether physically or emotionally, I pray right now for you. Seekout God with all your heart, soul, and might. The closer you draw to Him, the closer He will draw to you. He loves you and is waiting for you to call on Him. :)