footprints in the sand.....a real moment

Questioning if there is something wrong with me....just don't understand why I am so different than everyone else my age. Based on "society's" rating, I seem to be a failure in all categories...financially, relationships, marriage, and children. O for 4 there.....37 years old and counting. Good thing I could give a rats ass about societys standards, but seriously.....I have alot to give and just seem to not be getting in return. I have my faith, and that will never die, but having one of those HONEST moments of self examination. I am a self confident person now, but life has me questioning myself. I have a heart of gold, and am alone. Those who selfishly used me are happy in love. Where is the justice in that? Although I prayed for them to be blessed I didn't really believe God would do it so fast.......while I keep getting dumped on! Just being REAL....having a real moment with God right now. I keep saying and believing these tests are just making my faith and me stronger, but at the moment feel weak. Guess this is when i need prayers the most. When i am weak, He is strong. Still through all this soul searching, I truly believe and know God loves me and has a purpose for all of this. So with that being said, gonna separate myself even more from the world for a bit, to seek Gods Word out and His will so He can turn these ugly feelings around. I pray for anyone else going through a similar struggle, that God may give you peace, blessings, and clarity too. I wasn't going to share this because of the negative tone of it, as I always want to be positive and inspiring . But I also believe in being my real authentic self, and putting it out there so anyone who struggles with these same emotions or dilemas can see even though I have faith and believe God has a good plan for my life, it still at times can be a daily struggle with my old fleshly thoughts and beliefs I had about myself not being good enough. But I am renewing my mind daily with Gods word to help me from thinking these old self defeating thoughts. The devil is loving me questioning myself like this, cuz he wants me to stay down so I won't rise up and be that NEW ME God has formed. I am like that piece of coal with pressure on it from all sides......all I have to do is stand firm, and soon enough I will shine like the diamond God is creating me to be. Just wanted to share this ugly side of me so anyone else going through hard times can relate, and NOT give up either!! This too, shall pass, and I will look back and be glad i went through all this seeing Jesus was carrying me through it all, just like that footprints in the sand poem.....

loneliness in the trials...

It seems the path I chose can be a pretty lonely one. I just wish I had even 1 or 2 people around me who could identify with me and my beliefs and struggles and even joys. So tempting to just let myself go with the crowd and do as they do, at least then I would have temporary friends and support. But I know deep inside I am supposed to go through this time in my life for a reason. This will only strengthen my faith and draw me closer to Jesus, the only thing that really matters anyway. I question and doubt myself at times, but as soon as I get in the Word, I remember that God shows up BIG right after you go through your time of testing if I just keep standing in faith. No amount of temporary pleasure is worth risking my permanent blessing. So I will fight the good fight of faith and perservere.........like James 1: 2-5 says....Count it all joy when you come into trials and tribulations, once you patiently endure them, you are being made more into the perfect image of Christ....(my summry of the verse) So praising God for these trials......I know the outcome is glorious!!!!!

Torn between the new and the old

I am a this weird, awkward time in my life where I am torn.....I have so many things that I have went through emotionally, financially, and even physically over the last couple years. I am at a point where I want to move forward and into all new things, and an all new me, yet part of wants to go go back to the way things were, and the old me. That is what I knew, that is where I was comfortable. Even part of me wants to stay and dwell in the hurt and pain I have been through. It's like my spirit knows I am ready to move forward into my destiny, but my emotions and circumstances want to stay in my past. I literally am fighting a war with myself and the world I feel.....sounds dramatic, but it is how I feel. I think to myself, "Life was so much easier when I lived it only for pure enjoyment. People liked you better when you were the party girl. You were HAPPIER when you gave into all your desires and wants on impulse...."    But I KNOW that this is just the part of me that God is still refining and chiseling to form me into the woman He has called me to be.......Nothing in life worthwhile ever seems to come easy, but when it comes, it will be real and lasting and in Gods perfect will. I will wait and endure this part of the transformation process with good cheer, knowing God has a good plan for my life, and everything happening He is using for my good. And so the battle of Spirit vs flesh goes on.....but the good news is, I have the Grace of Jesus fresh and new every day, no matter what mistakes I make. And although I still battle at times to go back to my old ways, it does get easier and lessened the more I renew my mind with the Word. On that note, I am off to watch a TD Jakes sermon before I fall asleep....NOTHING better than getting fresh revelation from hearing God's word!!

Dealing with hardship....

Well, here I am sitting on my comfy air mattress on my last night (again) in my old apartment. I have had a few curve balls thrown at me lately in life, and if there is anything I am good at by now, hitting those things head on! The hardest thing other than having no sleep, being inbetween homes, and spring training baseball chaos at work, is the death of a man I dated this last year. Despite some issues we had to deal with in life, we connected very deeply on a spiritual level like I never have with anyone. He drew me closer to the Lord and showed me what love can be like and what I deserve. Some things happened that I couldn't understand and I had to distance myself from. I had some issues with trust due to every man I have ever loved breaking my trust. Making a very long, complex story short, I judged him for things in his past I never should have done. I let his past which I knew he had changed from skew my view of him in the present. I just found out he passed away a week ago. This has hit me very very hard. The last time I spoke to him about a month ago I said some things I wish i could take back now, but it is too late. I know for a fact he would forgive me, but why is it so hard to forgive myself?? I think that is the hardest thing for me to do being a Christian. But I am praying and working on this daily, as we are all a work in progress.....but I live by God's promise that He who began a good work in me, will complete it. Chris had a beautiful spirit and I know God took him now for a reason. I pray and ask for forgiveness and hope the day I die and go to be with the Lord, Chris is there to greet me, along with all my others friends and family I lost. I hope he greets me with a warm smile and says "hey beautiful..." everything is alright.... just like he used to when he was here. There are so many things i will never understand that happen in this world, but that is why I lean on God more and more daily to look for comfort and peace in this world of testing. Afterall, our life on this earth is like a blink of an eye compared to eternity. My goal is to fulfill my calling and purpose God has ordained for me to do. I may not feel up to the challenge, but HE will give me strenghth and courage, grace and mercy, to keep moving forward day by day. weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. For anybody facing hard times whether physically or emotionally, I pray right now for you. Seekout God with all your heart, soul, and might. The closer you draw to Him, the closer He will draw to you. He loves you and is waiting for you to call on Him. :)

Finally found peace.....

So after the nightmare I am still going through of many many small things nagging at me and going wrong in my life, I have finally come to find peace in the midst of turmoil. I have been talking to God and others a lot lately trying to figure things out. After taking a couple small steps of faith to try and get things done, it hit me today......I am to make a fresh, clean, brand new start again......the roach infested apt and all my things in it symbolize my chaotic life circumstances. I am going to LET IT ALL GO.....all my belongings too. It is just 'stuff" that has been a hinderance moving and is tied to my past here. By letting it go, I am also FINALLY FOR GOOD letting my old self and old life go, and trusting in my new life which is being led by the Holy Spirit. I am going to take things day by day like The Word tells you to do, and trust that God is leading my steps into my purpose and calling in life day by day. I think this is all just a challenge for me to be stronger, fear less, and trust in Gods good plan for my life. I KNOW most people think I am crazy and can't understand my ways, but that is okay too. I am not living for them, I am living MY life, and I march to the beat of my own drum, always have. The difference now is, I don't care what people think about me. I am learning to not get attached to possessions and things, and that is the most liberating feeling ever! I am STOKED to get rid of all my stuff! Yepppppp, I may just now be clinically crazy...lol. The reason I know I am in God's will is because i have a peace inside now I didn't have before. My mom texted me and is very upset at my decisions and thinks I am not being rational, and I need my stuff. She just doesn't understand because this is for ME to understand, not anybody else. Anyways, better stop cuz I gotta get some sleep. But these blogs are just flowing out of me without me even thinking about what I am going to say. They are helping me to gain great clarity over my life and I thank God for giving me this outlet. what is next? Only God knows....and that is exciting to me!! To be continued.....

Everything is going wrong.....so it appears

Well, lately God has been pushing me to make some changes in my life, and pushing me way out of my comfort zone....Again. My life over the few years has been contantly pushing me in every area out of my comfort zone. Finally got a new apartment after 31/2 years, and it is roach infested! My biggest fear ever! I am all alone and nowhere else to go, so I have to deal with it. This is such a hard challenge for me, cuz if anybody knows me well, they know I have the WORST PHOBIA of roaches! I even moved back home to Iowa from Houston, Texas when I was 25 in part, due to huge roaches in my apartment. I believe this is just God making me deal once and for all with all my fears. I must push forward and through them all with His help. I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me...these roaches just symbolize my life lately....things not going as planned, and disappointments and stressers at work and in my relationships. I believe this is Gods way of testing my faith and relying on Him totally for all things in my life. Man......this is soooo hard, at times I am tempted to quit. But that is when I draw closer to God and cry out to Him to hug me and heal me and BRING ME THROUGH this transition in life victorious, with no regrets, coming out stronger than I was before. God never lets you go through anything without there being a purpose for it. Instead of asking Him "why" like i always have, I will just trust that He knows what He is doing, and purge out my fears and negative emotions to Him, instead of getting drunk, or stuffing my face with food to numb the pain like I used to do..........so through these times of trial, I will praise Jesus for already defeating the enemy for me. I will stand firm in Gods promises and be grateful for what i do have. Nothing good in life ever comes easy.....patiently enduring all things because I know the outcome is worth it!!

late night insominiac thoughts....about God

I used to think about God like this......like He was a genie and I would give him my wishes, hoping he would grant them.  When most of my wishes never came true, or after they did and then something bad happened, I would question God and say...,,,Why me? Am I not good enough? Do i not deserve to be blessed? I must have done something wrong so I can't be blessed. So i would do my best and TRY to be good or better and please God, just so He would bless me...........wow!! Finally realized God gave me His Holy Spirit to come live inside me and guide me into all truth and ways. Jesus died so I could be free from the law which no man can live up to. Once He died and said "It is finished," the moment you believed Him and put your trust and faith in Him, that is the moment He saves you from the destruction of the devil, and gives you His Holy Spirit, to guide you in all truth and understanding. God gave us a new spirit, and it is our job to renew our minds by reading and hearing His Word, so that we can become transformed into new and perfect spiritual beings through Jesus Christ's sacrifice. We become in right standing with God by the blood of Jesus. That is the best news you can ever recieve!! So stop trying to be righteous, you already are through believing in Jesus! Yes, its that simple!!  He also gives us the ability to chsnge the own course of our lives by speaking out victory and blessings over our lives. There is power in speaking Gods word! So YOU have the power now to bring blessings to your own life and others by speaking the truth over it...Gods word.  Quit blaming God when things go wrong in your life, He loves you, and will never let anything bad ruin you, He will ALWAYS cause that bad thing to bring good in your life. You just need to have patience, seek god first, and speak His Word over your situation. Don't focus on your circumsyances, focus on your redeemer and the Truth. I haven't even touched the surface here, but l aleady feel that i may have lost you............enough for now, just felt led to write these thoughts down as they came into my mind. Hope someone got a little blessing from this, I know i did!

real, raw, straight from the heart

Well....here I am! My first blog. Never thought I would ever do this, but look at me now. The reason I am starting a blog is because I have so much I want to share and so many thoughts and experiences that I have encountered that I need an outlet. Writing has always been my outlet to express myself and my emotions that I can hide so easily in daily life. I found myself going overboard posting everything on facebook, and after praying today about some tests and trials and heartbreak I am going through, the Holy Spirit instilled into me to start a blog! So here I am! Don't know what I am going to blog about, but you can be sure it is REAL and from the heart. I feel my purpose is to write about the things I go through and share them with others who may be going through similar things. I have went through and am still going through a great transformation after many many life hardships. I made the decisision to follow my Lord, Jesus Christ, 100%, the best I know how. It is in this rich walk with Him, I have gained so much wisdom and peace, and feel like it is my mission to share my walk with the world, so others can see first hand, how God can change a person's life....IF you chose to let Him. So stay continued....as i am still a work in progress, as we all are. This is gonna be real, raw, authentic, and straight  from my heart and soul. No more fronts. No more acting or pretending to be someone I am not, just to gain approval from people who don't care about me. The only approval I seek now is Gods. Come follow me on this awesome journey of my life.........:)